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Lil' Fuckers: No Hope

Turn your nerd into President Nerd with this photo rendering website thing-y called, "Coolify."

P.S. Calling anything "coolify" pretty much guarantees it will be anything but. It's kind of like calling your pubes "freshly shorn" when what you really mean is "razor bumpy," "itchy" and "mangled."

Oral Hijinks

If your house needs a dose of mass-produced generic hipsterdom, Urban Outfitters has something you're going to love. Coinci-dentally, if your inept boyfriend needs an instructional guide to the finer points of loving a woman, Urban Outfitters has got something you're really going to love.

Loose Bitches: On Beaver Street

On Saturday night, Nikki, Krista and I went to the Art Conspiracy auction / concert / party benefiting Resolana. The address said 511 Commerce, but the cross street was BEAVER.

Laugh. It's still funny even if you're not this many (FYI, I'm holding up six fingers here).


They had bands, which were good but made it too loud to talk. That is really unfortunate because pretty much every eligible single person in Dallas was there and no one could lay down any game. But, not all the eye candy was ass...




... Some of it was art, which was intermittently auctioned off live.



Unfortunately, when you get the three of us together we burn with the hotness of a thousand suns. Suns that look like Marylin Monroe, so the hotness is both literal and figurative. Anyways, we were burning their shit down, so we had to leave. But not before posing for this rare threesome photo. It'll be famous someday, so cut it out and put it in your scrap book.

Dio-ram-a

Hey, why is that little pile of doo doo on the floor? Oh yeah, because this just scared the shit out of me.

You May Never, Never, Never Grow Me

"This unique vase is made up of three separate parts, each with their own reservoir, and perforated all over so that you can dress it in any way you like."

If there's any doubt in your mind that I'd make little flowery pubes, then you really don't know me at all. And if you don't know me by now, you will never, never, never know me. (Ooooo-oo-oo-oo-oooo). All the things that we've been through... you should understand me like I understand you. Now girl I know the difference between right and wrong... I ain't gonna do nothing to break up our happy home...

I have this technique where, when I don't have anything clever to say, I insert retro song lyrics. It's pretty much Advanced Computer Mad Libs, and I'm kind of the best at it.

Holidoy: Gifts for the Hateful Hostess

These Happy Fucking Holidays coasters are equally adept at absorbing condensation and disgust for the holidays. Plus, if you tape a razor blade to the edge, you can fling them at people ninja star style and slice their heads off. It's a tradition to sacrifice a person to Santa at our family holiday parties. Yours, too, right?


via Karen Ehlers

Red-dumb

You know what I need more of in my house? Murder. Which reminds me, I hope you all can make it over this Saturday for Potluck & Pictionary. You bring the sides, I'll bring the stabbin'.

Lil' Fuckers: T-Rex in Peace

This is the best excuse ever to wet your bed until you're 16 and the second best way to ensure your kid will be a virgin until he's 23. The first best way is by showing him your herpes.

Thoroughfed

This is called the Carrie Bicycle Basket and I'm assuming they mean I'm-such-a-Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. But if this was really her basket it would have creepy, sinew-y muscle arms attached...and probably a trough filled with oats to feed her face.

Literary Gnome-bility

"Resistance is feasible even for those who are not heroes by nature, and it is an obligation, I believe, for those who fear the consequences and detest the reality of the attempt to impose American hegemony."

- Noam Chomsky

Oh, I can read between the lines, Chomsky. Heroes by nature? American hegemony? Nature? Hedges? I'll take "things you find in a garden" for $500, Alex.

Chomsky was practically begging to be garden gnome-ified. God, be a little more subtle about it next time.

Via Mike "Can I get a what, what?" Niemczyk

Just the Tip

This wallpaper is called Frosted Hamlet. When someone says "Frosted Hamlet," which they do frequently, I picture some guido with frosted tips and an orange tan on the Jersey Shore debating his lot in the afterlife while pondering a Beer Slurpee (patent pending). That's because I wasted four years getting an English degree and the idea of existential douchers makes me giggle. Then I remembered that Hamlet isn't just a guy who might have done his mother while avenging his father's death at the hands of his uncle (this is starting to sound like an episode of Jersey Shore), it's also a word no one uses. Then I wasted your time pointing this out because, well, I like horses.

Hook, Line and Creeper

Oh, thank God. Someone has invented a Seahorse Crochet Kit. Add that to my blown-glass wolf spider with egg sac, cross-stitched emporer tamarin, decoupaged pygmy marmoset and gold-leafed hagfish, and my menagerie is finally complete.

Lil' Fuckers: Whiz Kids

I actually own Handmade Modern (the adult version of this book) and in the grand tradition of me owning things I don't use (oven, duster, reproductive organs), I've completed 0 projects. But that won't stop me from buying Kid Made Modern where I feel confident the projects will fall more in line with my 5th-grade-level skill set. I learned cursive!! And cussive!! Seriously, fuck you dudes.

Shooting Blanks

File this under "Idiots." It's a remote that makes a popping sound every time you pull the trigger. Like you, it only does one thing. Unlike you, that one thing is change the channel, not touch itself while watching reruns of "Who's the Boss." Hey, I think it might be better if it came with a car adapter and a cyanide pill dispenser. Just a thought.

These Are DDynamite

I love these candles because I live in a cartoon. My best friend is a talking monkey, I have a black circle that I drag around for people to fall in to, when I get really hungry people's heads turn into hamburgers, and, well, you've seen my boobs, right?

Eye Warned You

Warning: For once, I'm being charitable and telling you that the picture at the last link is really, REALLY gross.

What do you get when you cross Edward Gorey with Shel Silverstein? Besides my really inappropriate sexual fantasies? You get Vasco Mourao. You also get a general sense of creative failure, a reminder why your art school degree was a complete waste of $30,000, and a massive ocular migraine that can only be cured by pulling a Houston Summers IV.


via Sub Studio

Twist And Pout

Add a little spice to your SmartOnes (but not your life) with this Rubik's Cube Pepper Mill. And since it only rotates one way you won't have to be a cheaterface and rearrange the stickers like you did when you were a kid. It's like that stupid wooden triangle game where if you only leave one peg, you're a "genius." But the only "geniuses" are people that spend their lives solving the stupid game. And anyone that would rather play with pegs than wieners doesn't sound very intelligent to me.

You Down With OCD?

Meet Henry the Hoover. He's a tiny, battery-operated vacuum cleaner for cleaning crumbs off your desk and also the first sign that you might be a danger to yourself and others.

If you have crumbs on your desk, just push them on the floor. It's the office. It's not like you have to clean it.

Virginia is for Haters

I thought this was a poop, but it turns out it's Virginia. It's funny because it's the truth, and not even the kind I made up.

I probably should have put poo and two together when the plate was titled, "Virginia is for Lovers." Sure, I had questions, but I was hoping if I sat here long enough they would be answered by Dear Abby.

Star Struck

I want these Ninja Coat Hooks real bad. They'll go perfectly with the fake bullet holes on my fridge and the real blood on my walls from last night's, um, "incident." Basically, I got in a knife fight with my will to live...

Lil' Fuckers: Give A Hoot

If you need to class up a kid's room, you can buy these...or just get rid of the kid. Anyway, be sure to check out the Extinct Editions which reminds us there's a reason we kill things. It's called art. Yay polluters!!

Well, Scribble Me Timbers

I don't really know what to do with this Pencil Pirate. Not in life... in life I'll use it to obsessively write my first name with my boyfriend's last name, and also to stage some sort of mutiny on the cats.

I mean I don't know what to do with it on Badder Homes. I totally wasted all my pirate lingo like seven posts ago.

DIYDS: The Lighting's On The Wall

We usually give people vague, mostly useless instructions in our Do It Your Damn Self feature, but if you can't figure this one out on your own, then you don't deserve Christmas. Or love. Or respect. You know what you do deserve? A swift kick in the nards. The kidnapping of your children. And to have someone force you to simultaneously eat and drink Fruit 2-Day.

Haiku-ku for Cocoa Puffs

Coffee stains my soul,

a pen stabs your useless face.

Waking up is hard.

Poem Cup and Saucer, $50.

Spray On, Spray-a

Oh look, the worst idea ever is now available in a can. It's called Simply Spray and even though it claims to "bring absorbent material back to life," my guess is it really just "stains clothes" and "ruins things."

Feline Fine

You know what this cat had for dinner? The cast of Glee. And apparently, it didn't agree with him. But then again, pop-heavy musical mash-ups set to timeless choreography rarely ever do.

Holidoy: Gifts for Nascent Serial Killers

You've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet from the sauteed livers of your victims. So encourage the burgeoning urge to kill in someone you love with one of these Freak Peeps. It was actually made from animal parts that would otherwise have been thrown away, not specifically killed for the thrill. But you don't have to tell that to your ravenous fiend.

Jolly Old Saint Dick

Dear Krunk-A-Claus,

I've been a bad, bad little girl, so please bring me brass knuckles plated in gold and then plated in brass again, enough Klonopin to OD on, some antique claw-foot bathtub gin, a Get Out of Jail Free Card (aka Victoria's Secret Miracle Bra) and a pony with a tattoo of a Centaur.

If I get everything on my list, I'll give you a ho-ho-handy.

Love,

Krista

via Karen "No Clever Nicknames Today" Ehlers

Thar she buffs!

Avast ye, Scallywags. This young lassie is Blackbeard the Pirate's maid. For a few doubloons, she'll dust the masts, polish some loot and batten down yer hatches. And while she's mostly agreeable, she'll give any bilge-sucking scurvy dog the old heave-ho if you ask her to scrub your poopdeck.

Do You Take Milk?

Remember when every celebrity's boob fell out? Well, except John Goodman's, but that's really only a disappointment to Krista. Here's the coffee cup equivalent of a wardrobe malfunction. I hear it's playing the SuperBowl half-time this year.

Wrapper's Delight

Let's buy this and then use it to wrap up actual human bones. Where will we get them? From Dexter, of course. That crazy son-of-a-bitch is always up to something. Dex-ter...

How Things Work

I used to go out with Dr. Science. Trust me, he's a real guy. Not one I made up for the purposes of this post. He told me that this is how electricity works. I wanted to believe him, but then I found out he got his PhD out of a Cracker Jack box and his real last name was Dinkus. So I set him up with my sister. Shit, I can't lie to you guys. I don't have a sister.


Kitchenaid Mixer with Unicorn, $10
Toaster with Wizard, $10

Lil' Fuckers: Teeny's Weenie

Baby blankets are so passe. These days, anybaby who's anybaby sleeps in the discarded foreskin of a freshly-circumcized giant penis.

The Ol' Honey Pot

This bear is asking, "Yes, but will there be girls there?" But he doesn't want to date you, he just wants to look at your vagina. I should explain -- he's an OBGYN. Trouble is, he mauls things. But if your privates look like I think they do, you really have no where to go but up.

It's On Like Donkey Kong

If I were a betting man, I'd guess that Billy Mitchell is painting under a pseudonym in his art therapy classes at the Pnwed by Hope Mental Health Hospital for the Dorkily Insane.

Arcade Expressionism via todayandtomorrow.net

Loose Bitches: More Than a Handful

Occasionally we're let out of our cages to terrorize the city... or just peep some titties.

Last weekend I attended the Gifts and Garters burlesque show in Deep Ellum, because everybody likes boobs. It's just a fact. Also, they had a great selection of gifts from local sellers, and an even better selection of booze - two things without which the holidays would be a total waste. No, I did not take pictures of the dancers. If you wanted some sweet jiggle action, you should have paid your $20 like the rest of us. Let's just say it was a smorgasbord of tasteful smut.

For those of you who have yet to see your first set of boobies and have no idea what I'm talking about, the above is an artist's rendering of the evening I made in Microsoft Paint... which may or may definitely be the worst artist's rendering of all time.

While all the dancers were lovely and fantastic, my favorite performance came from the Jigglewatts (see above). Dressed in tinsel hula skirts and big red bows, they unwrapped their presents and lit more than a few Christmas trees, if you know what I mean. Hint: I mean they gave men boners. I just wanted to make it sound festive and crap.

I don't do happy endings, so here is a photo of me and my friend Erin (of Haute Hardware) at the event, totally not naked. Once you stop crying, I'm sure you cheap bastards will find a bottle of store-brand Jergens out there with your name on it. Go get 'em, Tigers.